3.11 Writing Romance and Why I don't like Fated Mates

I'll be perfectly honest with everyone, I didn't think I was qualified to write this post.
I've written romantic subplots in every single one of my novels, I read romance voraciously, I've self-pubbed four romance novels and traditionally published a romantic suspense. But, I still don't think of myself as a 'real romance author' because I don't "live and breathe it enough."
When I actually thought about the 'why' I felt unqualified I realized I was perfectly qualified to talk about romance, I was just teetering with imposter-syndrome.

So, yes, I've not written 20 something romances yet, but if the goal is 20 novels in a genre before I'm allowed to discuss it, we'll be here too long.

There are going to be Freudian slips. And puns. You've been warned.

Note: a well researched, well written story may throw all of this on its head. Of course, I am not talking about that story. Why would I feel a need? If you think you're safe of the problem, you probably are. This is not a personal attack, this is not a 'how dare you' this is a 'if you must, aim for excellence, be different'

Clarification: Erotica and Romance are not the same genre

I'm going to criticism some tropes in this post (if the title wasn't already a clue.) These tropes are used in both erotica and romance. Often people interchange erotica and romance, they are certainly found in the same section of the bookstore most of the time and authors often throw the genres around willy-nilly. Erotica is all about the thin veil of causality in porn to establish the sex. It has about as much requirement for plot as 'oh no, I have to pay for the pizza but have no money, unzip.' Erotica can be long or short. The point is not the emotion, its the scintillating sex. Good emotional investment can enhance erotica, but it isn't the point of the genre.
Fated Mates (we'll get to it, eventually) is a common trope in erotica and it's fine as a quick shortcut through emotional turbulence as a result of handwavium. The point is the sex, not the plot or the characters.
In contrast, romance does not always have to have sex. Romance isn't always about sex. It often does have sex, and the likelihood of sex is high, but romance without sex is a real actual thing and romance without high heat are sometimes better for their lack of heat as the focus on romance, surprisingly, is the romance between character A and B (and sometimes C and D if its poly) and the character development of these characters.

Emotion and Romance

My author friend M. Drakon doesn't like romantic movies or novels for a few reasons, chief of which is she hates the bubbly emotions these invoke. When she first told me this I stared at her with mute fascination, like I'd just discovered she was a lizard-person. Then, the discussion expanded and I realized she had the same reaction to romance that I have to horror movies. I don't enjoy being scared of monsters. Fear is an emotion that crawls under my skin and horror is something I don't like experiencing. Fluffy heart-throbbing or bitter turmoil of love is something she doesn't like.
These emotions are intrinsically linked to the genre, however. Just as you read thrillers for racing action, you read romance for romantic feelings... I know, such a revelation! But I point it out because it is an important revelation.
As an author of romance, you are trying to invoke specific emotions in the reader. It is often one of the hardest to write because of this. Mystery plots invoke deductive reasoning, tragedy invokes sympathy and empathy, action summons down explosions and awe. Romance has to capture an emotion and spread it like jam over a whole novel. Some authors even manage to spread two or three emotions into their novel and suddenly you've got a complex flavor palette. Emotions are the wildest, most uncontrollable part of writing. You cannot control your reader's emotional state with any degree of certainty and this is why a bad mood can render a book unreadable that might otherwise have been a beloved favorite. Romance, more than any other genre, is geared to emotion and that, above everything else, makes it a true art-form and worthy of deep respect. I say this not to diminish the last fantasy you read full of moving emotional journey, or the bibliography that contained such sweetness it lifted your spirit for weeks, I say this because people underestimate the sheer audacity and strength required to write romance. Romance gets a lot of snide and snobbery from folk who consider themselves 'literary' and to them I say put your pens where your mouth is.

Romance and the Emotional Journey

A good romance doesn't just have one plot. Sure, A and B need to get together (or back together) but it often has a second subplot that will tie in, influence or help drive the narrative. From simple journey of career, self-discovery, achieving independence, healing from wounds, to saving the universe or destroying the rival hockey team. Most novels have subplots, and romance is the most common subplots in other novels too.
The end result is characters getting together (or back together) and the journey is like any other, fraught with villains, antagonists and obstacles, internal and external. The internal obstacles are particularly strong in romance. There is a reason that A feels they cannot be with B. Perhaps a secret, a tragedy, an insecurity. Before they can be happy together, this internal obstacle has to be resolved. Sometimes it is solved through other characters healing A, but most often it is done through B and A confronting their internal insecurities together.
Then, there's the journey the character was already on. Perhaps A is trying to start up a cafe and has been struggling with confronting the malicious corporate boss who won't give them weekends off to do what A wants to do. As the novel progresses, A begins to realize what it is they are lacking and what they need to do (sometimes its pointed out, sometimes they start to see it in B) a confidence boost brings A to hand in that resignation and go pursue the cafe dream.
Whatever emotional state starts the book- despair, regret, fear, hatred, nihilism, it is finally alleviated and becomes positivity and a state of affection and happiness.
Sounds layered? Yeah. It is.

Lust vs Love

 

Romance doesn't always have to end in declarations of undying eternal love. It can end with the start of a good, positive relationship. Romance can culminate in lust beginning to become love without losing itself. Lust is not a bad thing.
Now, that said, I'm going to lose some of you with this next statement: There is no such thing as love at first sight. That's lust. Love, I'm afraid, requires intimacy.
Okay, so, please put your pitchforks down and hear me out and remember I said lust is not a bad thing first. You need lust. Lust is natural. Lust is normal. Lust is great. Without lust, I don't think you can have love. Lust is the early-stage Love Pokemon. It evolves into love with quality time and emotional investment.
Lust is the groin tingle. It is the physical, the chemical zing of hormones. The frothy loins. For most of the studs in the land of romance, its the first step. It's the emerald eyed chiselled hunk of human-meat that turns your head. Lust comes quickly and can take a few hours or days. It can be low-riding or crush-inducing red-faced-breathy-staring-for-too-long.
This, you might realize, is probably the reason I hate Fated Mates (we're getting there, soon, be patient)
Love, as I mentioned, is the evolution of lust. For this post, I googled up a lot of psychology blogs and articles on the differences between lust and love and what the requirements for 'love' are. Most 'experts' (psychologists, doctors, relationship councilors and even elders of the species) agree on a few key points.
Love comes from: time, intimacy (emotional intimacy and physical) and vulnerability (vulnerability and intimacy are intrinsically linked here)
This is a huge bucket of requirements you want to weave into a novel. You need to foist the characters together over time, they need to get to know each other well. And I do mean well.

Creating Intimacy and Vulnerability

'Character A likes coffee and character B likes tea' are not intimate details. These are random tidbits that add realism, sure, but they aren't intimacy. Characters should have both emotional and physical intimacy; raunchy touches in the King's garden, lingering kisses, shared views (political, religious, lifestyle) and mutual reliance. After a tough day at work, if A is crying, B will comfort because they wish to see A happy. If B is about to fight a dragon, A will be there to cheer from the sidelines, A may want to sweep in and rescue them, but should also trust B to fight said dragon- belief in each other, trust, dependence, all of these are intimacy.
Sex is intimacy, and you can have sex thrown into the mix but it is just one part of the milkshake that is intimacy.
Vulnerability is a really overlooked part of this milkshake and it is often only given to one character in the relationship. The best vulnerable moments should be both characters. A and B need to both see each other's weakness and they don't need to 'cure it' but they should at least compliment it.
For example, I recently read A boy and his Dragon by R.Cooper normally when it comes to urban fantasy the critter will be godlike unstoppable and awesome, (the werewolf alpha will shrug off silver allergy that all other werewolves have, etc) Cooper did something I hadn't seen in a very long time to give her critter vulnerability. She made him afraid of something mundane. Yeah, a phobia. The phobia wasn't cured, it wasn't earth-shattering, but it allowed the very human character to swoop in and rescue the big burly dragon from his plight. It wasn't a life or death situation (and the drama of such moments can do more to hinder than help for real vulnerability) but the characters showed vulnerability that could not be 'cured' with magic kisses or wished away. It was there and it was resolved in a mundane manner. In their future relationship, it would probably come up again, and be resolved again. Importantly, A did not make fun of B for having a fear of something mundane. There was no forced confrontation, no magic wiping of the fear. Just the weaker character stepping up to help. Simple and effective.

Fated Mates, AKA the Elephant in the Room

If you've read my earlier notes about Fate and Prophecy you probably knew I wouldn't be a fan of fated mates. To my regular rant-hearing crowd, this comes as no surprise.
Going back to the Pokemon analogy; if lust is the first stage of love and love takes time, intimacy and vulnerability, Fated Mates is using an evolution stone.
Fated Mates instills immediate feelings of love when the characters first meet. They go from 'he's hot' to 'we're going to have 3.5 puppies' in 60 seconds. The common complaint from the characters in these stories is 'how can I know my feelings are real?' and that's my complaint as a reader 'well, they aren't.'
Fated Pairs also raises a lot of questions that are never addressed in any of these books. If soulmates exist in your world, divorce should be a totally foreign concept, no one would get married until they met said soulmate (because I have yet to read a mistaken fated mate. It is always instant perfect recognition on at least one side of the couple and at least instinctual on the other end). It would be a matter of efficiency to be on a tinder-like app to check to see if your Mate showed up in your searches. Since you can't truly love anyone else, at best you'd have hookups with others, both of you knowing it was lust and pure physical need being met because you aren't Fated.
What is the purpose and origin of the Fated pair? The term alone is nebulous. What is their 'fate?' fate implies there is a reason on a cosmic or divine orchestration behind these two people falling into immediate and instant love. If they are destined to save the world a week later and only the pure feeling of love will allow them to do this, then, sure. But most of the time, that isn't even vaguely on the cards. If Fate needs them to bone and have The Special Baby of Destiny, why does Fate need them to bone instantly? The future baby is going to take a few days or months to incubate, and Fate clearly orchestrated this in advance, so... why not orchestrate them to meet, fall in love and have a healthy, fulfilling relationship? The Destiny Baby will still happen,  Fate has ensured it.
The inherent holes in Fate needing to ensure two characters fall in love at first sight is never addressed. Sometimes it is described as a 'chemical evolved mating instinct' which has exactly the same problem.
Why, if your body is chemically evolved to one day randomly lock onto a person, would you form a relationship beyond anything more than casual hookup with ANYONE else? You know that, as a species, one day you will smell the Tingling of Loins Most Special and instantly love the gentleman drinking coffee in the cafe. Your entire species gets this, its programmed into your culture on a fundamental level. Every single one of you has this and no one can fight it and it is inevitable.
You would cover it in sex-ed during PE class in high school. The gym teacher would point at a weird alien organ on the humanoid body and be like 'this right here controls your ability to love someone, until it throbs and vibrates in a special way, you aren't in love. My cousin Joe had hers removed because of cancer. Luckily, every one of us has one, so her mate was able to still recognise her' at which point the kids would be like 'does she know she's in love?' and the PE teacher would grimace and say 'well, without the organ of true love, how can anyone know what love is?' and people would gossip about the horror of cousin Joe and her mate because isn't that a weird situation?

Destiny and Fate are great if they are aiming for something. In fantasy, Destiny is usually about the qualifications and recognition of The Chosen One. The Chosen One will kill the evil king. The Chosen One will unite the kingdoms in a perfect harmony of rainbow flowers and peace and prosperity for all eternity. The Chosen one is the only one who can draw the sword of Oddly Specific Pickiness that even has a hope of stabbing the god of sewer-rats who has made things awkward at the local picnic spots.
Destiny and Fate as 'the reason' are also extremely vague and nebulous. For example, it is human Destiny to die. We are but humble mortals and have a limited number of years on this planet. Every single human will die. This is unavoidable. How is that? Isn't my predictive power incredible? How did I foresee this impossible to predict future? I'm such a visionary.
Here's another one: You will overbake cookies in the oven at least once in your life!
And another Destiny you cannot shake: One day, lightning will hit a transformer and a wide spread power outage will affect your neighborhood~~~ ohh, spooky how talented I am, I know, I scare myself~
If Fate says you two boning at a specific time and place is required to stabilize the magical geosynchronosis orbit of the astral plane, why would Fate make you fall in instant love and not say, just arrange some mood lighting, flirty texts and your apartment? Fate is All Powerful and Unshakable in this circumstance. If it can arrange instant love, it can arrange a good steak dinner and roses.

In Defense of Soul Mates (sort of)

Yeah, I just spent all that time riffing on Fate and Destiny and fated mates, but now I'm going to claim soulmates is okay? What. A. Hypocrite.
Okay, sharpen the pitchfork if you want, but lemme finish: A soulmate and Fate/Destiny are not the same thing.
The premise behind a soulmate is pretty old, I think the earliest mention of the idea I've seen is in pre-imperial Chinese poetry talking about reincarnation (but I am willing to bet money-dollars that early Buddhist monks in India brought it up before it was even cool to those hipster Greek philosophers) The idea I am most familiar with is, of course the Greek because of my western roots; originally you and your soulmate were one being until we were split in two and now you search for your missing half. It is like reincarnating through lifetimes, looking for that person, who you may recognize but probably won't. They will complete the broken half of you...... almost like a regular, well-functioning loving relationship might............ y'know.
Soulmates has been abused as badly as Fated Mates when it comes to done poorly, or trying to cheapskate and skip through creating a strong world or setup.


Do you think you've got THE BOOK that has strong romance? Do you feel like you've read a Fated Mates romance that is going to blow my mind because it addresses all of these concerns? 100% I am up for the challenge of that book. Throw it at me!!! (softly though, I am not a good catcher of thrown objects)