3.10 Imposter Syndrome and the Author

Have you heard the term 'Imposter Syndrome' in the writer community before?
It pops up from time-to-time in professional discussion and not always in an obvious manner.
I've been aware of the symptoms for many years but always thought that I, an enlightened and very zen creature, ought never to encounter such moments of self-doubt.


This year I am editing my second book of a series, I am launching another book, I've now got two books officially published, I've done interviews and a few blog tours, I've even moonlighted for some self-published works under a psuedyom. You could say, I should feel a little professional, a little 'head in the game' when it comes to the hard miles part of being an author- getting my novel into the paws of readers.

And yet... I just had a moment, staring at a reviewer's blog and their recent reads where I had to stop myself and the internal narrative playing out in my head. Perhaps, dear readers, you've heard this narrative yourself. It goes something like this: "These are all high-end, excellent literature books. I know the reviewer says they are open to trash like my work, but I'm not seeing anything on my level, I'm not worthy of this reviewer. I'm no good. I shouldn't send my ARC to this person, it's a waste of their time to read and reject it."

I caught the thought, as it fluttered into my brain and tried to run off with my self-esteem and used my ego to help squash it. I'm fortunate, I have a big ego. It helps when I need to smother these kinds of thoughts... mostly.

We all know the adage that we are our own biggest critic, but we can sometimes be blind to the method of self-assassination that criticism takes. This is a gut-based fear reaction to the very terrifying thought of "What if someone doesn't like it?" As humans, we get a lot contradictory input on the opinions of others and their value to us.
You probably grew up with varying levels of "Fuck what everyone else thinks!" or "But what would the neighbors say?" Intermittently dispersed into a very confusing net around your world. Public opinion on beach-to-cafe distance and swimwear acceptability varies wildly in my country. That's clothing. Art is a whole kettle of fish.

Lets turn the kettle on.

So Imposter Syndrome. That is, the feeling of inadequacy that every single 'big-name' author and famous artist admits to experiencing at some point or another. The best example I know of comes from the Writing Excuses podcast, about Neil Gaiman discussing with Neil Armstrong that the man who walked on the moon felt he wasn't qualified to be in the room with all these big important people around him.
So that's two particularly famous people who've suffered the feeling that they aren't a real 'whatever.'
I've never met someone of great achievements and artistry who doesn't feel they are not worthy or not a proper writer (for example) at some stage or another. Every single creative goes through this experience and unfortunately, you can't just turn it off.
It won't pop up once and quietly disappear. You are going to feel this more than once and it probably won't go quietly into the night. That means you need to recognise it for what it is. Fear. Fear that you or your art are Not Worthy.
The trouble with art is that everyone has an opinion on it, and some people are going to have the opinion that it is, indeed, Not Worthy. Look at 50 Shades of Grey or Twilight. There is an enormous amount of hatred and judgement of Not Worthy for these two works. Regardless of your own opinion, you've probably heard the voices of critisicm for 50 Shades, ranging from the romance to the bad lifestyle, to the origins. We've all read something we didn't feel should have been published. A book that was awful, a comic that felt below standard, etc.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one.
When you enter the public with art, people are going to have opinions about your art. Some will be good. Some will be bad. Some will be luke-warm. Others will be nonsense. You, the creator, have absolutely ZERO control over their opinion.
And that's terrifying.
For a still emerging author, like me, the idea of those glowing neon red Not Worthy opinions are paralytic. Because I don't have an MFA in writing. I don't have a fancy job as a journalist, I'm not making big dollars on anything. I start to spiral when I see someone with a huge backlist of novels by better, more famous authors who have won awards. I think of all the things I'm not and fear, dressed as Imposter Syndrome, strides into my brain and says, "better stop everything and run away. Maybe hide under the bed."

So that's grim and all...

The good news is that, if you know what your particular Imposter Syndrome looks like, what it likes to say, the trench coat it drapes over your hopes and dreams when it saunters into your brain, you suddenly gain the ability to say back: "Wait a hot-dog minute... YOU'RE JUST FEAR IN A FANCY TRENCH-COAT!" And rip off the mask.

And hopefully, when you do that... you send the ARC offer in to the reviewer anyway. Because fuck it. If they don't like it, they don't like it.